My Human Centipede is Constipated...and Other Tasteless Jokes

Last week I had the pleasure of viewing a delightful little film called The Human Centipede. My only disclaimer is that it doesn't end very well; heavy contemplation about life and love may follow this deeply touching film. Other than that, the film is a brilliant little drama that details the struggles of a brilliant German doctor who just lost his beloved three-dog pet.

His grief is so overwhelming it can be palpated -- his love for his three-dog pet is touching and inspiring. Just imagine: if people all over the world cherished animals the way this brave doctor cherished his three-dog pet -- there wouldn't be an overpopulated animal shelter in the world!

After suffering the loss of his beautiful three-dog pet, the great doctor decided to turn his altruism away from animals for a moment and focus on people. What could he do to further improve this great planet and further humanitarian causes?

Of course! Create a three-person pet! The answer was so simple, he must have laughed at himself for not thinking about it sooner.

A three-person pet would be great for the environment: instead of three individual people consuming the planet's resources, it would require only one person to eat. Instead of three individual people releasing waste, it would require only one person to perform that action. A three-person pet could cut consumption, needless spending on food and toilet paper and eliminate much of the world's waste.

There should be more doctors and scientists working on creating the perfect three-person pet! It could literally save the planet from extinction! Why didn't Al Gore do a documentary about THIS?!?!?!

So the doctor hunted for his perfect three-person pet.

After much trial and tribulation, he found three prime candidates for surgery. A small Asian man he couldn't understand, and two beautiful girls. He saved the girl with the cutest little butt for the end of the three-person pet.

During surgery, he wondered how he could market this amazing and environmentally conscious idea...

"Three-Person Pet" sounded so ordinary and unimaginative...

That's when the great doctor coined the phrase: THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE

It was a perfect name for a perfect idea.

Unfortunately, when surgery was over, his new human centipede was defiant and ungrateful.

He had to kick it a couple of times.

This is where the story becomes heartbreaking...brace yourselves:

His human centipede rebels and is almost taken away from the great doctor by evil police officers who probably wanted the 'pede' for themselves in order to sell it on the black market.

Eventually, the human centipede dies, along with its great humanitarian creator, the doctor.

It's a story about life, loss and the burden of genius. I highly recommend checking it out. But don't forget to bring your Kleenex -- this one's a tear jerker!