What do you think?
I'm currently writing something very different from a short story. Friends suggested to try to write a book, so I'm giving it a try. Please give your honest opinion; something I can do better, different, ...
A twelve year old girl is trying to survive in a zombie world and she's writing her diary on napkins. Here is the beginning :
24 August 20—
Dear Someone who will propably never read this, but just in case, I write this down… (propably too long, I’ll just say Dear Someone in the Future)
Okay, so, Dear Someone in the Future,
My name is Jennifer Dees. I’m twelve years old, I love reading, writing, playing games on the computer, learning new things. My mom calls me a walking encyclopedia. I think I have it from her; mom’s a pediatrician. I want to be a doctor later too. I have one sister, Charlotte, who’s twenty-three, married and has two kids. I have the brains, she has the looks (mom has both). I’m not ugly but nobody believes I’m not adopted. Next year I’m going to boarding school, because my best friend at school is going too. Stephanie Burns comes from a family of academics, but she’s, well… Not that smart. And she’s not pretty either. But she’s funny, and really grown-up for her age.
I think Stephanie is dead now. I texted her days ago (when mobile networks were still up), and never got an answer. When we didn’t text each other back within the hour , there was something wrong and the other person should call the police. No more police to call now. I hope Charlotte and her family are still alive; we were never really close but her kids are adorable. And mom… I lost her when the panic started, and haven’t seen her since.
Maybe I should explain what happened, but I’m too tired now. And my napkin is full…. (I don’t have any paper but I do have a whole stack of napkins)
25 August 20—
Dear Someone in the Future,
Okay, so what happened? I still don’t know. My mom and me had planned to go to the movies, eat a pizza, go book-shopping. Stephanie was supposed to come with us, but she called me that morning. I could hear something was wrong. “Jennifer? My dad is sick and… and maybe I should stay at home, “ she whispered in the phone. “Why are you whispering?” I whispered back. Why was I whispering? “I’m in my dad’s study. Mom says to stay here. Dad is acting really weird. Okay, bye Jen…” I tried to call her back but got the busy-signal. “Want to drive by their house?” mom asked. She sensed I was scared (it was one of those days, when she was really sensitive. Other days she wouldn’t even notice if our house was on fire).
The house was dark, curtains were shut. No car on the driveway. The call was just half an hour ago. Where did they go in that short time? “I’ll go take a look, but you stay in the car,” mom said. She had a key of the front door, Mrs. Burns, Stephanie’s mom, was her best friend. Stephanie and me always wondered what they talked about. Mrs. Burns was always so serious. I didn’t even knew if she had a first name; one time, even her husband called her Mrs. Burns. “No can I come with you?” I asked. Stephanie’s house was in a busy street, leading to the town center. There was a shop, a kids play area and a nursery school. But now, the street was… deserted. And people had left their possessions behind. Strollers, bicycles, cars in the middle of the street, haphazardly. Houses with the front door open, lights still on, inside a mess. A lawnmower still running on somebody’s front lawn. “Stephanie?” I yelled when mom opened the front door of her house. “Come on Jen, let’s go,” mom urged. She tried to push me back outside. Then I saw what she tried to prevent me from seeing : there was a smear of blood on the wall. The glass door to the living room was shattered. And someone’s leg was sticking out of the opening where the door used to be.
We half ran to the car and mom tried to call the police. “All the lines are busy,what the…” she muttered. “Maybe we should go to the hospital?” I suggested. Somebody there would propably know what was going on.
On our way to the hospital, we noticed something (or everything) was very, very wrong. We saw a car crashed into a house; store windows broken; several accidents on the road. Nowhere was a police car in sight. There were people walking around, but they seemed really sick. I saw an old man, with an arm and half of his face missing. Mom was still trying desperately to call someone, anyone.
"Mom, what's going on?" I asked. Video games and horror movies hadn't prepared me for this. I felt scared and wanted to go home and hide under my blankets. Or my bed. "I don't know Jenny, maybe an outbreak of some disease - remember that flu you had two winters ago? Well, that was a bad type of flu and it hit a lot of people very hard.... But this seems so sudden..." mom said. Translation : she had no idea of what was going on.
The hospital was a war zone. Even four streets away from it, cars were abandoned by their owners who had tried to reach the hospital first- some had even 'parked' their cars in the lobby of the hospital. The hall was full of people. Sick, maybe even dying. Young, old. Babies of a few weeks old even. There was literally blood everywhere. Every bed and seat was taken. Mom looked around in shock. "Okay, I'm gonna take you to the staff room, and I'm going to help out here," she decided.
I sat at a large table, mom put a cup of coffee in front of me and kissed me on my forehead. She said she loved me, I hugged her. That was the last time I ever saw her.
After about an hour, someone came in the room. Normally it was a staff only room, with a special lock. You could only get in and out with a code. But electricity had gone on and off for the last twenty minutes now and the door must have unlocked automatically. I hadn't noticed, I was dozing on a bed in the corner. It was one of the sick persons. She grinned at me. The front of her shirt was now a bib of blood. She tried to bite me - I could shake her off and ran out of the room. I knew the hospital well, I came here lots of times, sometimes every day. But without lights, in the dark, that was a different story.
Every floor of the hospital had a kitchen, and there was the big restaurant kitchen on the top floor. I was now on the second floor, and I knew that the kitchen here had only one, big, heavy door, no windows, and lots of food - the drinks and snacks for the vending machines were kept here. Luckily, there was no one inside, and the emergency generator and lights had just started. I wasn't in the dark anymore, and my drinks would stay cold.
I'm still in the same kitchen. Not all the time, after a few days I went out on expeditions. To check how bad the situation was. It's still getting worse.