Your Zombie Girlfriend: Tips and Tricks to Surviving an Undead Relationship

When a Zombie attacks, you must be prepared for it. This doesn’t just mean that you need a good supply of weapons and ammo, nor does it just mean you need a well built shelter. It also means that you must be mentally sound to deal with whatever tragedies come your way. Remember, no one is exempt from a Zombie attack. When it happens, it happens to everyone, even your girlfriend. Yes, even your girlfriend. You must be prepared to do anything. So, if a Zombie bites and or eats your girlfriend, you must be ready to “Take Care Of” the situation.
“But how do I ‘Take Care Of’ that sort of situation?” you ask? Well, there are three main things that you must do to the fresh corpse of your beloved.
You must:
1. Put a bullet though her head
2. Slice a machete through her neck
3. And torch her remains

If these steps are followed, it is certain that your girlfriend will not rise again.
But you might ask, “What if I want her to rise? I love my girl no matter what state she is in, post mortem or not.”
Well good sir, let me be the first of many to call you a complete moron. There is plenty wrong with letting your dear, departed, lover rise again. I would love to give you the extremely long and detailed list explaining why this is a terrible idea, but let me just stick with the top three reasons:
1. She is no longer your girlfriend; she is a member of the Living Dead.
2. She wants you for your brains, not your credit card.
3. She will eat your heart out, literally.

Even with this said, if you still believe that keeping your Zombie Girlfriend around is a good idea, you may be suffering from the psychological disorder is commonly known as; Diligo of Victus Mortuus, which is Latin for, Love of the Living Dead.

If you are suffering from Diligo of Victus Mortuus, then there can be little done to help you. You are just as incurable as the Zombie girlfriend that you love so much. If you are such a soul, let me tell you that maintain a meaningful relationship with a Zombie is both hard and often fruitless. But I am here to give you some tricks and tips to help you survive a relationship with one of the undead.

A. She is Going to Get Out.
You need to accept the fact that your Zombie Girlfriend is going to break louse once and a while. Zombies may not be the smartest creatures on the Planet, but they are some of the most tenacious son of bitches you will ever meet. If there is a flaw in your system (which there always is, don’t feel too bad about it) your Zombie Girlfriend will find it, most likely on accident, and use it to her advantage. So it is safe to say you will be spending the first few months of your relationship finding out what chains are stronger than others, what pad locks can stand more abuse, and what kind of lock you want on your bedroom door at night.
B. Clean Up After Her.
Things are going to get messy, that you should know right off the bat. Remember when I said “She is Going to Get Out.” Well, now is the time I should add that she is going to eat somebody as well. Yes it is borderline inevitable. She will break out and eat someone and It’s up to you to clean up her mess. I didn’t say it would be easy…or fun, but you don’t want the authorities snooping around and finding out your little Zombie fetish.
It is best to keep a good supply of acids about to help you break up the body of her victims. You don’t want to spend the good majority of the night figuring out how saw apart a body. Trust me it’s harder than you think, stick with the acids. REMINDER: Never let the corpse soak in acid in the tub, you’re going to need to invest in a plastic barrel.
The acids will eat through your tub and then not only will you be explaining your Zombie Girlfriend to the authorities, but you will have to explain the hole in the bathroom and the half melted carcass in your basement. Another thing, make sure to always put a bullet in the head of your Zombie Girlfriend’s victim, the last thing you need is for them to reanimate during the melting process.
Don’t be cheap when it comes to cleaning products such as bleach, you’re going to need them the first few months.
C. Make A Few Friends, but A Lot of Enemies.
During the first few months of your new relationship, you’re going to want to make a few trustworthy friends that won’t judge you for your strange new taste in women. These people will be extremely valuable to you when your Zombie Girlfriend breaks out. Whether they help you clean up her mess, or help you track her down when she escapes, or even just come up with a good alibi for you when the cops show up, a good friend is a great thing to have in your time of need.
On the flipside, you are going to want to make a lot of enemies. Mind you, you don’t want many people to think you are enemies with these people. If lots of people know you were enemies with these people, their disappearances will make you look awfully suspicious. Hell, the people who are your enemies don’t even have to know that they are your enemies. You just need to hate them to the point where you wouldn’t mind feeding them to your Zombie Girlfriend. Be ready with those acids after dinner. Yum Yum.
D. Know Where You’re Local Butcher Lives.
It is a known fact that Zombies prefer the fresh meat of humans, but when push comes to shove, they will eat almost anything. Even a warm bloody steak. Now, I say that you should know where your butcher lives, not just the location of his work. This is because you will be going to be calling on him at the strangest of times. Your Zombie Girlfriend’s hunger is rarely satisfied. It may be in your best interests if the local butcher was one of those close friends I mentioned earlier.
E. Going Out.
Going out in public. I suggest you don’t do it…at all….seriously. Date night with your Zombie Girlfriend is not going to happen. Order some movies from redbox and sit as far away from her on the couch as possible, it’s the only thing you are going to have even close to a date night. If you are feeling extra daring and wish to tempt the fates, take her out for a walk in the park….on a leash….in the dark….with a cattle prod.
F. Sound Proofing: A NESSESCITY
We all know Zombies moan. So what makes your Zombie Girlfriend different? Nothing, so sound proof your house. Your sanity will depend on it. Bu then again, if you think dating a Zombie is normal; the term sanity isn’t one that you are quite familiar with.
G. Company’s Coming.
If you can help it, don’t introduce your company to your Zombie Girlfriend. Things will not end well at all. Old prejudices die hard, but a Zombie’s eating habits die harder.
H. Always Use Protection.
Always. This is not a suggestion, it’s a rule. This is not a helpful hint; this is a piece of life saving advice. Always wear protection if you somehow, someway manage to have sexual relations with your Zombie Girlfriend, wear a condom. This has nothing to do with little Zombie Jr. running around, it more has to do with the fact that if you stick it in…it will contract something that doctors will not be able to get rid of. No, you will not become one of the undead. Worse. Yes, there is something far worse. If you have unprotected sexual intercourse with your Zombie Girlfriend, something terrible will happen to your Mr. Johnson. He will become Necrotized. Which basically means that your Johnson will begin to shrivel, die, and rot away. A rather painful and unpleasant experience. So, If you do manage to have sex with your Zombie Girlfriend without her biting your face off, wear protection. That might mean more than just a condom though. She is a flesh eating Zombie remember? One more thing…no oral. At all. She will tear it off, and if you give her oral….well…let’s just say there will be more unpleasantness. (Shudder)
I. Be prepared to Move…A Lot.
Having a Zombie Girlfriend means that you will become the object of attention. Whether it be nosey neighbors, suspicious polices officers, or curious bystanders, you and your undead lover are going to attract attention. Your comings and goings at odd hours, the strange sounds and smells coming from your home, and the strange shadowy figure in your basement will be enough for anybody to keep a close eye on you, and when people start to go missing, you will be the first they suspect. If you want real solitude for just you and your flesh eating lover, I suggest you find a small remote cabin in the mountains where nobody will find you. It will also allow you to use the steady stream of campers as a source of food for you darling deadite.
J. Be Ready to do the Unthinkable.
Yes, we all know how much you love your Zombie Girlfriend, and if her brain still functioned I’m sure she would know too. But her brain doesn’t function, she is a ZOMBIE. Zombies by nature are destructive creatures with a longing for flesh. Sooner or later it might just be your flesh she starts to crave. If that day comes, nothing you do will stop her. She will eat your brains. So you must be prepared to kill her. Yes, yes, we know you love her and all that, but for God’s sake she’s dead. A Zombie. She will kill you. Just make sure that when that day comes, not if mind you, when, you need to be ready to put the bullet right between her eyes. Something you should have done a long time ago….but you’re a deeply disturbed man, so I guess it makes it ok that you waited so long. Just remember that she isn’t your girlfriend anymore. She’s your Zombie Girlfriend….and she wants your brains.